I’m finding it fascinating how I’m so unable to write at the moment. Well, of course I can write, but I’m flummoxed when it comes to writing a coherent blog post. My age may have something to do with it, but there’s more to it than that. In the past couple of weeks I’ve started writing a blog post four times and for pity’s sake, I can’t complete even one. I guess I’m losing it. That’s not something I want to accept, but as we get older we all lose multiple abilities. It’s inevitable. Eventually we lose all ability. That’s when we die. Dead people don’t have abilities.
In some ways, I think I’m getting gun shy. People are dying all around me and I’m just here waiting for the sniper to pick me off. I’m keeping my head down, but that strategy will only be good for a time. The Sniper in Charge (SIC) will find me. I have no idea how long it will take for her/him to find me, but it will happen. That has me distracted, very distracted. You may find that this blog post reflects that distraction. It’s anything but coherent. But here goes anyway.
I learned the other day from a very young blogger and her father that mindset is everything in life. To some extent I agree. It’s self defeating to go into a project with the attitude that “I can’t do that.” Of course most of us can do that. Yes, we can. But that attitude is contingent on age and other characteristics we have that may make it impossible to have a ‘can do’ attitude. No matter how much I may want to, making babies is not possible anymore for Carolyn and I. We are both beyond that project.
The young person I’m referring to here is female. She and her sister operate a small sawmill as part of the family’s logging, lumber, and firewood business. They are both still teens and are very active in life outside of their work. In many ways, they are exceptional. They work in a family business. I don’t know how common that is these days but they may very well be the only young women in North America operating a sawmill of any size. Most people would consider that Man’s work. Her father declared in an interview she did with him in a recent blog post that they come from a Judaeo-Christian tradition and are actively Christian, in that they pray to God and all that. That fact gives them access to a whole community of like-minded people giving them wide acceptance in the community for their business and other activities. That’s just life for them. I’m sure they don’t see their faith and status as God-fearing White Folk giving them any kind of advantage in life. They would argue that they have just made the right decisions in life and people who make the right decisions in life create advantage for themselves by their very actions. There are various interpretations as to the accuracy of this kind of view, but it seems to work for them. It doesn’t work for a very substantial part of the population as sociology has clearly demonstrated over decades of research.
Well, I guess mindset is important for me too. I can either whine and complain about the fact I have a cancer that won’t go away and will eventually kill me, or I can just get on with things and ignore my ultimate demise. I’ve commented on a recent post that death is akin to a wall. I see it clearly on the horizon, but why focus on it? Actually, it’s hard not to focus on it, but it doesn’t make sense to do nothing else. It certainly is distracting, however.
I just captured a carpenter ant. I’ve got it on my side table under a shot glass. I can observe it moving about. It really wants to get out of this predicament and constantly looks for ways out. When I tap the glass it goes absolutely still. It’s a winged ant which means that it is at a stage in its life when it is bound to search out a new home. At this time of year they come out of the woodwork, literally. This ant seems very confused. This small prison it’s in is thwarting its destiny, which is, along with its buddies, to eat our house, which is made of wood, so lunch is served. However, I’m not particular enamoured with its destiny because we have conflicting interests. So, what should I do with this ant? I could easily kill it, or keep it imprisoned until it dies, or I could release it so that it can start munching on my house. Even if I release it outside, it’s still liable to find a spot to have a nibble. Obviously it cannot eat us out of house and home, but we know from past experience that it can, along with its buddies, cause a lot of damage. So what do I do?
Help me out here. What should I do?
Roger Albert - Always a Sociologist: Now Living With Myeloma 
the ant is surrounded by it’s wall. (s)he knows there is no escape. And, we are the same age. I see/feel my imaginary wall. So far it doesn’t have a shape, but I can feel it. One year, or ten years….. same same.
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Very thoughtful reply, Ed. Thanks so much.
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Hello Roger! From a Technologist to a Sociologist…Reading your today’s post I can see some parallels in our experiences.As far as your Sniper in Charge is concerned, I am convinced it is a ‘he’. He would enjoy culling the herd off the old and sick in his crosshair, while she would not take the job unless her family or friends were threatened. A ‘she’ would rather do everything to improve their lives.I was in the crosshair a few times, but only got dinged; it must have been only warning shots, or parts of a sadist’s game, for I ended up with mostly flesh wounds. (Well, maybe some broken bones!)For a while back in 2001 I thought I was a goner when I found I had prostate cancer. But surgery saved me, and one month later I was back to flying my aircraft; and another three months saw me back at work. A few side effects, like my sex life went to hell. And most old folks end up with bladder incontinence, so I got mine a bit early… But you learn do deal with it and keep going forward. Somehow it seems to have increased my level of empathy many-fold! Go figure that.Then in 2016 I crashed in a downdraft; after extricating myself from the wreck I triggered the 911 signal on the Spot Tracker, and spent some time laying in the snow hoping the signal would be answered. It was a beautiful blue-sky day, and I could enjoy the view of a house a kilometer away on the bright snow on the next hill. Of course, I thought that ‘this could be ‘it’. Otherwise, it could be a good story to tell my sons. There was no pain as long as I did not move, but I was still able to crawl to the nearest road. By the time they found me, hypothermia was setting in… Once warmed up in a hospital bed, morphine was my friend!When I left Vancouver in 1971, I was still a socially inept nerd. (A self-made man can sometimes do a bad job.) All the time spent at remote stations along the Alaska Highway did not help. But I was lucky to come across a partner who saw something in me, she civilized me. She came in with her son, later gave me another one, she is the best thing that happened in my life! Now things are as they should be!So, you have an ant under glass, I have ticks in a medicine bottle! Two months ago, it was still Winter here when I found one on the kitchen floor. No clue on how it got there! This sucker is quite tough, it is still walking around! Then yesterday after a walk in the park behind my house I was trying to get my afternoon nap when I found one crawling on my hand! Now they are together in the small container, and I will have no qualm about disposing of them. Unlike your ant, they were designed, or rather evolved, to cause me direct maximum harm. No empathy will be wasted on them! But even those little critters are fantastic beings! The universe fills me with awe, and I wish my one-way trip lasted a few more thousand years! I might last another ten or twenty, or even tomorrow, but so far, all in all, it was a good trip!Cam
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Thanks so much for your comment, Cam. So you had prostate cancer in 2001. I had kidney cell cancer at about the same time. They removed my left kidney and I’ve been fine ever since except for cancer and anemia, of course. Yeah, I’ve had my share of brushes with the sniper. Almost got me a few times. I was pretty crazy as a teen and smashed up a few cars…nothing like crashing an airplane!
On another topic, I love watching bugs and other animals. There was no question that I would release that ant. We put it outside as we always do. Our philosophy is that if you build a wooden house in a forest, expect the residents to try to move in and they do. Rats have cost us a fortune in damage but we have them under control. Mice we don’t worry about as long as they stay out of the house. Our cat sees to that. Our dog is a great deterrent for raccoons. We had deer in the yard yesterday, but our yard is completely fenced and they wouldn’t be able to get in unless someone leaves a gate open! That would be the neighbour. We have a gate between our properties. They are the best neighbours anyone could ask for. There’s no way I would hassle them about a gate left open!
Anyway, thank you for the great comment.
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Do what is true to your nature.
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The question was more about what you and other readers would do under the circumstances. Carolyn put it outside. We always do that. I love to watch bugs, birds, and other animals.
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That is entirely your decision to make, Roger. I’ve concocted a sugar water borax mixture that appears to be making tiny black ants disappear. Does this tarnish my Buddhist aspirations? I don’t know. However, at this stage of my long life. I accept many of my imperfections.
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Hey Wayne. Imperfections are me, Wayne. And I don’t have any Buddhist aspirations. Too much work for an old guy like me. How the hell did we get so old, Wayne?!
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Kill that mother and move on.
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Well, Carolyn put it outside. So it escaped death for now. I guess we’re just a little too sensitive. I watched that little sucker under that shot glass for a long time. Very interesting. Little asshole better stay away.
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You guys checked your walls for any rot and/or more ants, right? They are sneaky buggers. Your blog makes me laugh – our experiences are similar in a lot of ways. So many times i’ve wanted to write. But that part about everyone dying around you – everyone’s dying around me too and it’s hard wondering and waiting alone for the next turn of the age, Don’t really wan’t to be left behind but don’t really want to go either.
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We have Melissa. This isn’t our first encounter with carpenter ants. They’ve done a lot of damage on our property, but not so much lately. They love damp wood so making sure there are no leaks does wonders for keeping the population of ants down.
It’s strange, maybe, but every night when I go to bed I think one more day behind me. No idea how many ahead of me. We’re old, Melissa. Age requires a set of skills none of us have. We learn as we go along, but it’s never easy to accept that the learning will inevitably stop. I had a friend of mine die recently. He was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer and two weeks later he was dead. In a way, I envy him. He didn’t know what hit him.
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Take him out in the woods so that, like the Christians, he can find his own congregation and happily munch away in communion. As for your writing drought, I am sure that you have experienced this before in some shape or form? I had one bout that lasted for months. Then, suddenly, I got so angry over a journal submission that I had promised to review that the destructive venom then the constructive suggestions spewed out like the aftermath of a bad mussel. It could not be stopped. So, start with something that makes you angry? Too many Pollyanna ostriches in this world
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Thanks, Marilyn. I’ve been a bit depressed lately. Maybe it’s because I read so many books about death and dying! Truth is, I also read funny books by authors like Christopher Moore, Thomas King and Kurt Vonnegut. Still, the wall looms. On the recommendation of a person working with the local hospice society I bought a book by and author called Sadhguru (Sad Guru?). In any case it promises to be a more upbeat treatment of death and dying.
I’ll take your advice, though, on using anger to get back on my writing track. Lately I’ve been fatigued very intensively requiring a long nap every afternoon as well as getting a full night’s sleep every night. It’s frustrating. But I’ve got to get back on the horse. Thanks, again.
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BTW, we did release the carpenter ant. Carolyn took it outside and pointed it in the direction of the forest. It may very well survive. It may not. Not in my hands anymore.
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