Sometimes I think that it would be good if life were simpler. For me, it’s anything but simple. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I’m not being realistic. Maybe if I relaxed a little, all would be better. Maybe. Yet, the complexity just seems to expand, to encompass everything, no matter what I do, or don’t do.
I’ve been off chemo meds for about five weeks, and I have until the end of March before I go back on them. At least that’s the current plan. There was never a plan for long-term withdrawal from my chemo meds. I haven’t had my blood tested for a few weeks, and it will be another three weeks before I get tested again. I’m of two minds about that. It’s quite possible that the bloodwork will show that myeloma has again taken up full-blown residence in my blood and bone marrow. It may also be that it shows that I’m still okay. It’s always a crap shoot and somewhat tense for that reason.
More concerning for me is the fact that since my withdrawal from hydromorphone I’ve been in a lot of pain. It hasn’t attenuated much at all. I’ve been able to walk a bit two or three times a week, but any walking I’ve done has been painful. I generally walk around two kilometres, and that takes me half an hour. Not a blistering pace.
Because of the incessant pain I’m in I’ve had to backtrack and reconsider my decision to cease taking opioids. I took a slow release capsule this morning as a test and I have felt some relief. It may be that I’m dreaming in technicolour if I think that I can manage without pain meds.
Speaking with my GP/oncologist last week was enlightening. He doesn’t think that the pain I’m having has anything to do with my B12 deficiency, opioid withdrawal or myeloma. He thinks it’s attributable to chronic pain, something I’ve experienced for decades. (I’m not sure I completely agree with him on that.) Thinking back over the past thirty years and it’s clear to me that I’ve had periods before I was diagnosed with myeloma or pernicious anemia when I’ve experienced extreme pain and other very strange symptoms like having a yeasty odour and having my skin welt up after drawing a dull object over it with not a lot of pressure.* In the mid-nineties I had a period of debilitating fatigue to the point where I could barely function. I was also depressed at that time, with good reason to be.
The chronic pain that I’ve experienced throughout most of my life is associated as much as I can tell, with the consequences of surgeries I’ve had. The two main ones are a laminectomy (disc removal) and a nephrectomy (kidney removal). As well, I’ve had the odd accident on my bike and some running-related injuries. My neck has been a source of a lot of pain over the years brought on mainly by years of hunching over a computer terminal. I envy people who go through life with very little or no pain. There aren’t many of those in my family. I have siblings with MS and fibromyalgia. I have quite a few relatives with autoimmune diseases. It seems to run in the family. We’re also a long-lived bunch. That might be good, but it might not be so good too: all the more time to suffer from debilitating pain.
The biggest and most distressing challenge I face right now is the weakness in my legs but I may get control over that with a low dose of hydromorphone and gabapentin. I need to move around. That’s a prerequisite for continuing to be able to move around. Being sedentary breeds inactivity and makes it harder and harder to get any exercise. Exercise hurts! Walking two kilometres brings on a lot of pain. Damn!
And with the price of gas now, I think driving may be an even bigger pain in the ass than I’m feeling now in my ‘lower’ back. I feel that driving into Courtenay for a walk on the River Walkway is a bit frivolous when gas is $2 a litre. I can always walk around Cumberland for free.
Tomorrow should be better for me in terms of pain. I expect I’ll walk a couple of kilometres tomorrow morning. The weather is supposed to be good. From Thursday on for at least a week it’s supposed to be rainy and cold. No reason not to walk, but it is less pleasant and I like pleasant these days.
If you didn’t notice, and to end today’s musings, the title of this post works for some things, but not for life itself. Life never goes backwards, no matter how much we wish that it were so, no matter how many anti-ageing creams we use.
My next post will be on why the penis and clitoris are such wondrous things and why they have so much in common.
*This is the strangest phenomenon. I would drag the handle of a kitchen knife over my arm and it would welt up for maybe three hours afterwards along the path of the draw. Has that ever happened to you? I’d like to know if you’ve ever experienced this.